thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I need moral support for this bender
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
