the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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