I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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