it's not cheating when I paid for it
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
