My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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