You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
