so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
