Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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