jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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