I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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