i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
