My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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