Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
