Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
