Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
