I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Randomize
