I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
