I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
