so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i think i have two assholes
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
