She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
