There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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