Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I want to have your abortion
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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