My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Randomize
