So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
