The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Everclear isn't food dammit
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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