i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
