i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
