if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
