so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
