You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
