Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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