oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
