Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
