are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
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Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
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After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.