I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?