Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
did you just send me my own nude
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
