if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
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Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts