Your face is a jimmy john
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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