um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
