Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
