when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize