Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
