youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
