So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
