yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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