I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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