The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
