what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
