I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
