ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
