I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
