Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
