I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
