advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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