Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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