some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Randomize
