My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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